Party like it is 1999

I haven't posted lately and I would like to say it is because I am extremely busy with work, my social life or finding a cure for cancer while learning another language but that is just a big, fat, huge lie. The cold, hard fact of reality - I am just boring.

I have no kids to brag about (though I think my blog would be more about making fun of them), I am not a world traveler (an Americanized resort in Cancun does not count), I have not hand any 'aw ha' moments (though I try to get in as much Oprah as possible) and frankly nothing funny and/or embarrassing has happened lately. (I should thank my lucky stars).

So, I am lame. Noted. But, I guess I can post some pictures of a super fun birthday party I threw for my husband's 28th last Friday. Yup, I like them young. It was a 'college themed' party complete with trashcan punch, jello shots. and drinking games. We also had a make your own tee-shirt contest. My personal favorite was Aly's which read, "Also available in sober". Unfortunately, I don't think she was sober when she made the shirt because a few of the letters were inverted which in my onion added to the effect.

I think everyone had a great time and in partook in the college theme by consuming mass amounts of alcohol. Way to go kids! We partied like it was 1999 because people were still drinking at our place at 5:30 am… ummmm, yeah. ROCK STARS!

Just a note on what a cool, awesome wife I am – the night before I was in Austin for work. I met friends on 6th street and tried to do a 'warm up' college night and ended up closing the bars down at 2 am then devouring 6th street pizza. Needless to say, the plane ride back to Big D, the party set up and the beginning of the party were not all that fabulous for me. However, I sucked it up and was a trooper. By my 3rd drink I was thoroughly enjoying myself. By my 4th I found my buzz groove. By my 5th I was on my way to being smashed potatoes and came to the drunken realization - I have had A LOT of practice drinking and I am very blessed with great drinking genes – thanks Mom and Dad! Here are the pics – enjoy!

Party animal

shocking

UK = 10% gay

cancun pics

http://www.kodakgallery.com/ViewSlideshow.action?&collidparam=36166282605.712563548705.1243019714496

jaws

My liver is glad I am back home

Who has two fingers, speaks limited Spanish and had a GREAT time getting hammered with her husband in beautiful Cancun?

This Seniorita.

Cancun blog to follow...

Oink

I'm starting to get the feeling that someone does not want me to go on my upcoming glorious vacation to Mexico.

When we booked our trip back to Le Blanc for our anniversary, we were giddy with excitement and anticipation of drinking on the beach and gaining 5 to 10 lbs from eating 4 to 5 meals a day.
Then came the Mexican drug violence headlines splashed on newspapers and the internet. I couldn't get into my car without an NPR story on the spreading violence.

We figured if we stayed in our magical all-inclusive hotel which is guarded by security guards with guns we would be fine. Bring on the margaritas in the sun!

Now swine flu. The media has gone oinkers covering this 'epidemic'. My Dad is praying… My Mom is encouraging massive amounts of alcohol to 'kill off the virus' – Now that's more like it!

So in dealing with one of my many sinus infections last week, I visited my Dr and asked about the big, bad, piggy flu. Wouldn't you know, more people have died from the regular, old influenza virus than the swine flu and just like the influenza virus, the swine flu is treatable. Wash your hands. Use sanitizer. Stay away from sick people. If we have flu like symptoms when we return come see him.

Now flights to Mexico are being canceled and my amazing vacation is in peril.

I am not at all worried about the swine flu and I am sure I will not contract this virus if we are able to travel to the infected country.
BUT, I gotta say and please don't judge me…. I don't think it would even be that horrible to contract the pig flu. I would be famous. I could be a local hero because my office would have to be closed for a week! I would 'work from home' in quarantine for weeks while I was re-cooping from the scary pig flu by watching day-time tv and movies. I will finally get my money's worth from our monthly payments for HBO and Showtime. Plus, think of the lifetime of jokes I could use with that material – swine flu alone sounds hilarious.

Okay, okay, you're right. I guess it would not be worth it.

Imagine me with one of those sexy, blue, paper face masks while sunning by the infinity pool. That is going to leave an amazing tan line

How do you say, "Two margaritas, hold the swine flu, please" in Spanish?

Childhood 2.0

I brought my most embarrassing photos to work and had Kelly pick the creme of the crop - here you go!
*Top left - I apparently was hiding? From my scary dinner of steak? I was definitly up to no good. I love that I ate dinner on a kitchen towl with a crayolla cup and silly putty. Talk about living it up! I only wish I had that couch in my livingroom today. What a magnificent piece of furniture.
*Top right - I had aspirations of being a synchronized swimmer.... by myself
*Middle left - proof I have ALWAYS had my 'Ukrainian Hump'. Also, I loved being a 'naked ninny'. I would spend my day/night taking my clothes off while my parents spent their day/night putting them back on me. I knew I should have been a striper.... oh well.
*Bottom left - I was born with a full head of dark, black hair then it all fell out and.... didn't grow back... until I was 4. Also, I have a sneaking suspicion that my parents wanted a boy when I look at this picture. With my Ukrainian hump I very well may have been Kevin instead of Kat?
*Bottom middle - one word - AWESOMENESS!
*Bottom right - I have always been and will always be white trash. Yes, that is me in only a diaper eating whipped cream directly out of the can. I still do this to this day... I also have a special place in my heart for easy cheese directly into my mouth from the can.

Early Onset Adultism

Being an adult blows. Responsibility.... Yuck! Savings accounts and 401Ks...Blah! Down payments on a house.... Vomit!

I am turning 29 in 3 days and surprisingly, I am not dreading my birthday as I anticipated. I think it is due to the fabulous festivities that are lined up to think about instead(Who's Bad on Friday & Barcadia on Saturday). However, it does get me thinking about being and adult and what a 'kick-ass' time I had as a kid.

Oh, to wake up, roll out of bed, eat 3 doughnuts for breakfast then lick the icing off the 4th without even having a basic understanding or care for calories, put on your favorite summer uniform - a one-piece swimsuit. Then head outside with no concern for basic hygiene to meet your friends for the daily barefoot bike ride to A. The neighborhood 7-11 for candy B. The community pool, where the lifeguard was more of a neighborhood babysitter than a qualified lifesaver (and who also dated my Dad so I got to swim during safety break - yeah, suck it!) C. The park, where 1 out of 5 kids broke some body part playing unsupervised D. The woods, where you built forts to play house along side the water moccasins and copper heads.

I miss playing hide and go seek, swamp monster and tag. I was never very good at these games but they honed my cheating/tantrum skills.

I miss bold neon colors, hyper color shirts, game boys, pogo balls, slap bracelets and my extensive collection of trolls.

Responsibility was cleaning my room before my Granny came to visit once a year. I use 'cleaning' lightly; really, I just threw everything in my 'dirty dunk' clothes hamper. Making good grades - which was easy since I was that absolutely annoying teacher's pet that did anything for their attention which I mistakenly took as affection. In addition, not losing my multi-colored retainer which meant I had to dig through the entire middle school's dumpster filled with trash from lunch on not 1 but 2 occasions and found it BOTH times!

I guess I could focus on the fact that I have an iphone instead of a neon green beeper, a car I love instead of a bike with a banana seat. I have my amazing husband instead of zit-faced Hunter Levi, who asked me out in front of 6th grade English class then let me know he asked me out as a 'dare' and dumped me after school on my families answering machine with 12 laughing kids as background noise. Also, I no longer wear my house key around my neck every day on a Lee camera string (remember those cameras where you had to buy the flash separately with the film!) and I realized back in 1992 that I do not look good with a perm. In fact, when I had a perm I had a striking resemblance to a chia pet.

OK.... Now I am starting to feel a little better about being an adult.... But, I would feel even more amazing if I could find Hunter Levi and kick his adult ass.



Childhood collage –
Top left, my summer 'uniform'
Top right, me showing off my radical pogo-ball/jump roping skills – notice my fabulous pink tie-die shorts
Bottom left, proof of my chia pet perm (this is when it was growing out) and the purple lee camera string (look close) that held my house key that I wore around my neck daily. And apparently refused to remove for the yearly school picture. Man, I was attractive.
Bottom Left, my prized troll collection. Check out the outfit – remember units were the bomb?

Happy Birthday to ME...

To the tune of Happy Birthday..
Happy Birthday to ME, Happy Birthday to ME. Thank you Jason Shorney for the joint checking account.

Ok, it is NOT to the tune of Happy Birthday - but whatever!

Here is my gift I bought myself today from my husband, who will find out…. eventually.

No Ride Up Guarantee, my A$$!

I figured out to get rich quick and now I am looking for some smart, savvy investors to help bankroll and get rich quick in the process. My plan is foolproof!

So let me back track a bit and give you some history on how I came up with this brilliant idea.

When I go to the gym and run (who am I kidding jog and walk while bent over sucking half the oxygen out of the room) I get the worst wedgies. Normally, I would just dig in there and pull it out mid stride. However, something happened a few weeks ago. It was an odd feeling that I was not familiar with experiencing – I think it may have been embarrassment? I can't be sure because I have never been ashamed of any of my white-trash actions in the past.

So, I went to Target and instead of pursuing the sets of little thongs and bikini briefs I went straight for the back isle lined with granny panties. I deliberated for 10 min while comparing the Hanes packaging to the Fruit of the Loom. I finally went with the Hanes because they had a 'No Ride Up GUARANTEE' printed on the thin plastic packaging.

I get home, wash them, and put them in my work out bag for the next day. I get to the gym and put them on and realized I then knew what embarrassment was – they came up to my belly button and if I fell out of a plane I would be able to parachute to safety. When I got home Jason was aghast by the amount of material, "What is this? The 1800's?" I didn't really care, as long as they actually stayed half way down my leg and didn't creep up into my hiney.

It was time to test these bad boys out. I got on the treadmill and instantly had a wedgie. This really annoyed me and then I started thinking about this 'guarantee' - how on earth am I going to return panties that had been washed, worn and worse… worked out in and my rage began to grow! Then it hit me!!!! I am going to sell panties with outrageous guarantees. "Guaranteed to make your ass 3 sizes smaller when walking up or downhill!" "Guaranteed to get you off when skipping!" I mean how many people feel comfortable returning used underwear, even gently used underwear? I am TOTAL white trash and even I have an issue with that. I am sure there is a small percent of the population out there that might be more white trash than I am who might try to return them in which I will be ready to ridicule and heckle them into regretting that transaction.
I am telling you – it is a foolproof plan. Who is ready to contribute their life savings? Step right up.

On a positive note, if anyone needs window treatments for their entire house I have the material.

Lionel Kat

My mom told me that when I was a little girl my teacher informed the class that when two people love each other they can start to act alike and even begin to look alike. This apparently stuck with me because when my mom called to confirm the details of my trip to visit her, my response was, "but how will I recognize you?" Apparently, I thought my mom had turned black because she is in love with my step dad.

It is also said that pets and owners can start to exhibit characteristics and traits as of each other as well.

But imagine my surprise when I take Lionel back to the Vet (his home away from home) and the Vet tells me that Lionel basically has kitty IBS. This makes me think, is it because I have severe IBS? Is it my fault? Then I realize that poor Lionel is a stir-fry of bad, abnormal and defective genes. It is not my fault but good ol' Mother Nature's.

When I took Lionel to the Vet yesterday, he was in so much discomfort and pain that they wanted me to leave him there, probably overnight so they could try to provide some relief. However, a few hours later I got a call from the Vet asking me to come back and pick him up because he was going bananas and his antics were causing the other cat in the cage next to him to go into hysterics.

Lionel, the sweet little cat that lets everyone pick him up and carry him around, the same even-tempered cat that loves to snuggle with me in bed was causing so many issues that they had to call his mom??? I felt like I was picking my child up from the principle's office. I don't know why I would be embarrassed of my cat's behavior (it's not like I, or anyone can discipline a cat) but I was slightly ashamed as I walked in with cookies in hand for the staff.

As they were bringing him out to me, I could hear him making his evil mutant snarls. The Vet tech handed him to me, safely in his pet carrier and then handed over his collar. They told me he was going so nuts in his cage that he broke his collar off and was streaking in protest. Then I realized we DO share some of the same characteristics - we are both irrational jerks.

Some inspirational reading for Lionel, Everyone Poops by Taro Gomi

Heaven here we come!!!

Two years ago this May Jason and I got married and were lucky enough to honeymoon at Le Blanc Spa and Resort in Cancun, Mexico.
After months of diligent, more like obsessive and compulsive, internet searching for the ‘perfect’ honeymoon spot I decided on Le Blanc and boy did I gloat upon arriving – I booked a honeymoon in HEAVEN.
Le Blanc is absolutely gorgeous! I have stayed in some fancy hotels prior thanks to my husband’s all expenses paid trip to Europe from his previous employer. Hotels with chandeliers above the bed, heated bathroom floors and $40.00 pay per view (not even porn!) but LeBlanc tops them all.
Upon walking in the very modern lobby you smell a hint of lavender in the air and you can see through the lobby past the minimalist, yet stylish bar to a stunning view of the ocean.

The hotel staff is amazing! You are promptly given a cocktail and walk out to the beach while your luggage is brought up to your room and a butler will unpack your belongings and even iron your clothes. The rooms are fabulous with flat screen tvs and a comfy bed… and the best part? A huge hot tub in the bathroom overlooking the ocean.

The food is great (especially for Mexico where I have stayed at places and happily survived on 3 meals of chips and guac) – they have 5 restaurants and a bar always within stumbling distance. The staff expertly creates frosty, tropical drinks and more importantly, they have over 100 wines available.

Yes, I know what you are thinking – this sounds like a lot of beach resorts. But there are two little words that prove that this resort is much better than the rest and is, in fact, heaven - ALL INCLUSIVE.

Yes folks, ALL INCLUSIVE, with 24 hour room service that has filet mignon and a cheese plate on the menu you quickly adopt a 4 or 5 meal-a-day habit. I ate more frequently than a newborn to try to sober me up from drinking from breakfast to late night 3rd dinner. Combine the eating and drinking with sleeping in and laying out by not 1, but 2 of the infinity pools and I believe that is the exact recipe for Heaven. Complete with angels that come by and replenish your drink when you get half way done with your first and spray you with water to cool you down. (Heaven forbid you actually burn a calorie or two from the 5 meals you have consumed in the past 18 hours by getting up and waddling into the pool).

Why am I being a total bitch by gloating about this glorious trip? We just booked a five night stay in May for our 2nd anniversary and the overabundance of endorphins that are being released are taking over my brain!!! I fully expect each of you to slap me in the ear or punch me in the throat the next time you see me. Hell, you all know I would. But as I walk around bandaged and bruised from your onslaught I will be smiling because I know heaven is right around the corner. I will also know that all my friends are assholes.

Now I just need a get skinny quick scheme because Lord knows I am not about to eat less or exercise more. F--- it. I will just tan prior and call it a day – who cares I will be in HEAVEN.

crazy kat lady disease

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blogging virgin

Blogging is the new black. It is very Carrie Bradshaw and I am craving a cosmo and a cigarette as I type. (No mom, I don't smoke it is just for literary effect). Since I am hip and technologically forward... who am I kidding, I am just a bored loser who tends to have funny stories.
Ok, let's be honest, the only reason my stories are funny is because they are about me doing something incredibly stupid or I somehow get myself into a crazy situation (due to my boozing).

I have been inspired to start a blog but I am sure it will be like all things in my life that take work - I will start it whole heartedly then immediately slack off just like dieting, exercise, personal grooming and refraining from alcohol.

Yeah, I am a crazy lush who is continually doing moronic things and sadly, I am dumb enough to share these things with my friends and family. However, I can't help it - look what I came from! The apple does not fall far from the tree. If the tree is vodka and the apple is wine.