No Ride Up Guarantee, my A$$!

I figured out to get rich quick and now I am looking for some smart, savvy investors to help bankroll and get rich quick in the process. My plan is foolproof!

So let me back track a bit and give you some history on how I came up with this brilliant idea.

When I go to the gym and run (who am I kidding jog and walk while bent over sucking half the oxygen out of the room) I get the worst wedgies. Normally, I would just dig in there and pull it out mid stride. However, something happened a few weeks ago. It was an odd feeling that I was not familiar with experiencing – I think it may have been embarrassment? I can't be sure because I have never been ashamed of any of my white-trash actions in the past.

So, I went to Target and instead of pursuing the sets of little thongs and bikini briefs I went straight for the back isle lined with granny panties. I deliberated for 10 min while comparing the Hanes packaging to the Fruit of the Loom. I finally went with the Hanes because they had a 'No Ride Up GUARANTEE' printed on the thin plastic packaging.

I get home, wash them, and put them in my work out bag for the next day. I get to the gym and put them on and realized I then knew what embarrassment was – they came up to my belly button and if I fell out of a plane I would be able to parachute to safety. When I got home Jason was aghast by the amount of material, "What is this? The 1800's?" I didn't really care, as long as they actually stayed half way down my leg and didn't creep up into my hiney.

It was time to test these bad boys out. I got on the treadmill and instantly had a wedgie. This really annoyed me and then I started thinking about this 'guarantee' - how on earth am I going to return panties that had been washed, worn and worse… worked out in and my rage began to grow! Then it hit me!!!! I am going to sell panties with outrageous guarantees. "Guaranteed to make your ass 3 sizes smaller when walking up or downhill!" "Guaranteed to get you off when skipping!" I mean how many people feel comfortable returning used underwear, even gently used underwear? I am TOTAL white trash and even I have an issue with that. I am sure there is a small percent of the population out there that might be more white trash than I am who might try to return them in which I will be ready to ridicule and heckle them into regretting that transaction.
I am telling you – it is a foolproof plan. Who is ready to contribute their life savings? Step right up.

On a positive note, if anyone needs window treatments for their entire house I have the material.