No Ride Up Guarantee, my A$$!

I figured out to get rich quick and now I am looking for some smart, savvy investors to help bankroll and get rich quick in the process. My plan is foolproof!

So let me back track a bit and give you some history on how I came up with this brilliant idea.

When I go to the gym and run (who am I kidding jog and walk while bent over sucking half the oxygen out of the room) I get the worst wedgies. Normally, I would just dig in there and pull it out mid stride. However, something happened a few weeks ago. It was an odd feeling that I was not familiar with experiencing – I think it may have been embarrassment? I can't be sure because I have never been ashamed of any of my white-trash actions in the past.

So, I went to Target and instead of pursuing the sets of little thongs and bikini briefs I went straight for the back isle lined with granny panties. I deliberated for 10 min while comparing the Hanes packaging to the Fruit of the Loom. I finally went with the Hanes because they had a 'No Ride Up GUARANTEE' printed on the thin plastic packaging.

I get home, wash them, and put them in my work out bag for the next day. I get to the gym and put them on and realized I then knew what embarrassment was – they came up to my belly button and if I fell out of a plane I would be able to parachute to safety. When I got home Jason was aghast by the amount of material, "What is this? The 1800's?" I didn't really care, as long as they actually stayed half way down my leg and didn't creep up into my hiney.

It was time to test these bad boys out. I got on the treadmill and instantly had a wedgie. This really annoyed me and then I started thinking about this 'guarantee' - how on earth am I going to return panties that had been washed, worn and worse… worked out in and my rage began to grow! Then it hit me!!!! I am going to sell panties with outrageous guarantees. "Guaranteed to make your ass 3 sizes smaller when walking up or downhill!" "Guaranteed to get you off when skipping!" I mean how many people feel comfortable returning used underwear, even gently used underwear? I am TOTAL white trash and even I have an issue with that. I am sure there is a small percent of the population out there that might be more white trash than I am who might try to return them in which I will be ready to ridicule and heckle them into regretting that transaction.
I am telling you – it is a foolproof plan. Who is ready to contribute their life savings? Step right up.

On a positive note, if anyone needs window treatments for their entire house I have the material.

Lionel Kat

My mom told me that when I was a little girl my teacher informed the class that when two people love each other they can start to act alike and even begin to look alike. This apparently stuck with me because when my mom called to confirm the details of my trip to visit her, my response was, "but how will I recognize you?" Apparently, I thought my mom had turned black because she is in love with my step dad.

It is also said that pets and owners can start to exhibit characteristics and traits as of each other as well.

But imagine my surprise when I take Lionel back to the Vet (his home away from home) and the Vet tells me that Lionel basically has kitty IBS. This makes me think, is it because I have severe IBS? Is it my fault? Then I realize that poor Lionel is a stir-fry of bad, abnormal and defective genes. It is not my fault but good ol' Mother Nature's.

When I took Lionel to the Vet yesterday, he was in so much discomfort and pain that they wanted me to leave him there, probably overnight so they could try to provide some relief. However, a few hours later I got a call from the Vet asking me to come back and pick him up because he was going bananas and his antics were causing the other cat in the cage next to him to go into hysterics.

Lionel, the sweet little cat that lets everyone pick him up and carry him around, the same even-tempered cat that loves to snuggle with me in bed was causing so many issues that they had to call his mom??? I felt like I was picking my child up from the principle's office. I don't know why I would be embarrassed of my cat's behavior (it's not like I, or anyone can discipline a cat) but I was slightly ashamed as I walked in with cookies in hand for the staff.

As they were bringing him out to me, I could hear him making his evil mutant snarls. The Vet tech handed him to me, safely in his pet carrier and then handed over his collar. They told me he was going so nuts in his cage that he broke his collar off and was streaking in protest. Then I realized we DO share some of the same characteristics - we are both irrational jerks.

Some inspirational reading for Lionel, Everyone Poops by Taro Gomi